Thursday, 10 December 2009

• little girl

  

  My 18th birthday card, one given special for me from my farther. When i was a little girl, i was daddys little girl, i was close to him, he made me smile, i loved and knew him. Then it happened he changed, he lives on the computer, hides smut from my idiot mother, and treats me like i'm worthless. There was an important payment to the Dr. that HAD to be mailed. i am car - less, therefore couldnt do it. My so called farther had a vacation for the past 14 days, and yet couldnt mail it.

  This payment is a bill, if not paid my ass would be in jail. It was supposed 2 be under charity care, but valod w.e his foreign terrorist asshole name was, forced me to pay an outragous bill. I have no more job thanks to the economy, no money, no car, anyhow my dad wouldnt mail the payment, so now i have to beg ny grandparents. So what did he say twards it??, 

   

  "i know what will happen, if they dont get it you'll go to jail, so what". 

  Then he continued

  "if grandpa calls me up, and you tell him what i said i'll kick your ass out of here"

  then he started chanting,

  "idiot"

  Over and over again, and

  "your such an idiot"

  Thats just pieces of what he says on the regular, he always says how he's going to leave me and my mother. He told me once if my mother ever died, i'd be thrown out. He calls me a baby if i cry. So i dare not cry, i learned to never cry infront of him, NEVER. If i cry in front of him it only steams his hatred, and he makes fun, no hug, no i'm sorry, just

  "grow up you little baby WAAA"  

  Aswell as the only reason i was here to begin was my mother, and i should always remember that, besides yelling at me about my weight, etc. telling me that i'm a guest in the house, and how its never my home. Making fun of my b.f and talking trash about my sister behind her back, fighting with my mom on a daily basis. 

  What do i do to provoke him???, nothing i live in my room, and only leave this house if its with friends, or my b.f. It could be 90 degrees out and when i think of him, i freeze my whole body freezes. When i see how much my b.fs father loves him, takes him to sports games, buys him xmas gifts, etc. Even says he loves him, a part of me dies. My farther hasnt said he loved me since i was 16. Every year i wait for him to say it, or hug me, or treat me like im his daughter. He always says how he regrets having kids, and yet is it fair?, i never asked to be here. 

  Many of the times i wish was never born, i dont want to die anymore, im here now i have to make the best of it but still, its awful, my b.fs never allowed over, hes not allowed in my dads car, or on vacation, nothing. He does this to spite me, i cant even cry anymore, why b.c he isnt worth my tears, his heart rejected me a long time ago. My heart has finally rejected him to, every time i get even a piece of kindness from him, i reconcider, only to be shot down by him saying.

  "leave me alone", "go away", "i couldnt care less". 

  My mother is no exception, she already has hit me, called me worthless, and is a niave idiot, to my farther watching smut behind her back. To day i found my 18th birthday card, i was going to rip it up, but i decided not to. I like to look at where it says "love dad, i'll always be there for you". The words he could never say to me in person, the word love he couldnt say since i was 16. That was the last card he ever gave me, that was the last time, i wasnt worthless to him. I want to keep it and remember, 

  i used to be his little girl,                        

                  

   

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